Confusion..

Krishna, I am completely in darkness. I don’t see a way out of here. I am confused regarding the various conflicting theories. Krishna if everything happens according to your will and everything is already pre meditated then what is the need for us to take decisions in life? But that too am always confused regarding what is right and what is wrong. And I am a person who easily gets influenced by others. Now I really don’t know why things happen in a certain way. I don’t know if it is my fault that I just give up. I just don’t know anything. 

Okay and you say if we are confused with the various conflicting theories we must just surrender to you. What exactly is surrender? I have mentioned this before also that I don’t even know what exactly is surrender. Is it thinking about you always? Is it being devoted to you? Praising you? Chanting your names? What exactly is this process called surrender. You say you guide us from within and how exactly do you do that? How can be completely sure that I am doing the right thing? I don’t even understand any of your words Krishna. I just know that here I am completely uninterested in this world and waiting to get back to you. Nothing seems to be making me happy. 

In the material world, I tried telling my problems to the concerned people but they don’t even understand. They just saw things from their own perception.  They in turn termed me to be incapable and cribbing. All this makes me doubt myself if it was my fault. I am just surviving here because of a few kind devotees who always manage to put some hope into me that you are here. But repeatedly my mind just goes back to the material world. I am left wondering if I made a right decision even when it is all over. I am tormented of the fact of what happens next. I am not even able to get it into my mind that you are in control of everything. I just want to cry out in your arms. I wish you would just hold me and comfort me.

 You are the center of everything and I know if I make you the center even in material life everything will fall in its place but how exactly do I do that Krishna?? I am not able to control this insane mind of mine. Krishna I beg you to guide me. I am desperate need of help right now and I don’t know what to do with my life. Please help me out Krishna. I need your assistance and I can’t do this alone. Also I beg you to have mercy on all other devotees and non devotees too. This material world is just going from bad to worse day by day. People are losing their humanity, and are behaving as if they don’t even have feelings or a heart. People who are good at heart are being used by inhuman people. And it’s a wonder how all the inhuman people seem to just shine out everywhere and the people who are humble are being trampled by the proud egoistic people. Krishna you need to help everyone out. You are the refuge of everyone. You have to help everyone Krishna, Please please lead us and guide us. I really don’t know how you guide but hopefully by your grace I will get to know soon. 

I love you my LordJ 

Jai Shri Krishna!!

Thank you everyone :)

To all the wonderful devotees out there. I want to say thank you so much. I have been going through a bit of tough time lately and you all have been helping me to make it through. I don’t know why but even one line of encouraging word that Krishna is there, from a devotee fills me with immense faith. You have been kind enough to post encouraging comments and send wonderful messages regularly when my faith is being tested and hence you all have strengthened my faith. I can’t thank you all enough. Thank you seems to be a very small word and I just want to say I am blessed to have you all in my life. You are the greatest gift of Lord Krishna. Thank you so much to each one of you.  

Krishna :(

Krishna please please please.. I just don’t know what to say…I feel miserable right now.. I hate everything here. Why is this happening to me? I try to show I am okay on the outside but inside me there is just emptiness. I need you very badly Krishna. Ooh why am I so sensitive? Every slightest thing is hurting me now a days. I need you so badly Krishna. I am losing myself in this world. And I feel I am losing you too… Krishna please do something. I try to be friendly and nice but why everything turns against me? I hurt one of your devotee yesterday unknowingly... She did not mind it but I felt so bad later. I swear I did not mean to hurt her but it just happened... I end up hurting people even though I don’t mean to. And today, for some reason whatsoever some people are just ignoring me. Kanha tell me whats my fault. What did I do? I have always tried to be friendly with everyone. But what do I do if some people just stop speaking and they don’t even smile when I smile at them. They were so friendly before and now they don’t even talk.  And I am left wondering what did I even do to deserve that behavior? I have started hating myself and now I am scared if you will also hate me because of my mistakes. I am sorry I am ranting here... what can I do??  I just need to get this out or else I feel miserable all day.

Who else can I tell my pain other than you? But u don’t respond and that is only making things worse. A kind devotee put a comment in my previous post but it was in Russian and I could not understand. I translated to read it and though I could understand most of it even though the translation was not perfect, still there were some lines n words that did not get translated. I badly wanted to read the whole thing, each and every word of it... because it was really very much helpful whatever I read and I was really feeling better but I could not because it was not getting translated. You are preventing me from reading that too Krishna!!! WHY!!!????

Krishna why is everything hurting me? Am I overacting? Am I making a mountain out of molehill? I am just miserable and I need you so much right now Krishna. But all I hear is silence and I am left here all alone...

Krishna why do refuse to come??

Krishna I don’t understand anything. What is the point you even created us and separated us from yourself only to make us suffer? You don’t want to see us suffer but now you only seem to be the cause of our suffering. How can we be here in this world when we are suffering from separation from you. Well they say follow a Guru but how do we know who is a real Guru in this present times that which is only full of lies and fake Gurus. Krishnam vande Jagadgurum. You are the teacher of the entire universe. I am so confused regarding everything right now Krishna. When will you guide me. I am tired of the fake people and their fake promises their fake behavior and their fake smiles. People stick to you only when then want something from you and later abandon us. But you seem to have completely abandoned me. What is wrong Krishna tell me. Why do you refuse to speak? Why do you refuse to come?

Because of this behavior of yours I sometimes even go to the extent of doubting your existence. But that mere thought fills my heart with immense fear because for me you are everything. You are my strength, my refuge, my protector, my beloved, my best friend my everything. I have no one else except you. I am still clinging to this world only for you. Otherwise I would have no reason to stay here. But you are repeatedly putting my faith into test. How long must I undergo all this Krishna? How much more will you test me. I am just fed up and tired. I can’t take this anymore. Please stop all of this. Don’t you know what I am? Don’t you know about my faith and love? If yes what is the need for all these repeated tests? For how many more lifetimes will you test me? I am sick and tired of all this Krishna. Enough!! Stop being cruel and please come here. I am frustrated with your attitude. Your absence is killing me. I hate this world, I hate this life. I just want you and I want to get back to you. Oh I am so frustrated right now. I want scream and break everything in front of me to pieces. Your absence is killing me… Oh ya I know you are omnipresent but stop hiding !!!. Stop being invisible!!! I am dying to see you and hear you but you are not doing any of that. Krishnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Stop this torture. STOP THIS TORTURE AND JUST COME HERE!!!!! :’(