Oh My Foolish Heart!

 

My Lord, My sweetheart

I love every single part of you. But what I love even more is your mischief. Your mannerless mischief. I generally don't like mannerlessness but when it comes to you I just hope you are completely mannerless with me.

My body aches for your touch. It aches to be in your arms. My eyes ache to lock with that beautiful enchanting eyes of yours. The only eyes in the whole wide world I would rather look at.

This heart of mine has sought you at its best and at its worst. At the best 

I want to share my happiness with you. Literally take that feeling of happiness from my heart and give it to you so you feel the same.

At my worst I want to bury my face in your chest and cry and ruin your yellow silks. I know you can transmute any pain thrown at you to joy... and ideally its wise to give my pain to you.. but I would rather you hold me ... just for the sheer satisfaction of being in your arms and feeling your warmth.

I want to be strong in the outer world and I have been so in so many ways. One of the strongest things I have done in this world is not let it mold me into a woman I did not want to be. I chose you as mine and stuck to it despite the immense pressure of the world that crushed me and tried to stuff me to a mold.

But when it comes to you I want to be utterly weak. Like Just take my strength away completely and hold me in your arms. I want you alone to be my strength.

I don't know and I can never understand why am I am so deeply in love with an entity I have never met or seen. People tell me that you are just as story and I cant hold you or see you but i don't know why, with you I am ready to risk disappointment too.

OH MY FOOLISH HEART!!!

Vow!!! I am back and I never thought i would be…

Okay folks.. I dont know why I came back here. By the way this is just gonna be a random rant right now and i don't even know what i am typing anymore and i don't care if anyone reads or what they think coz people like me are always labelled mad so if there are any mad people out there madly in love with Krishna like me then… you understand. Even if no one does. I don't care.

So its been over 10 years i guess since i posted here and yeah i fell out of love with Lord Krishna or so i thought until this madness comes back gatecrashing after 10 years and unexpectedly and here i am back to this site that i had almost forgotten because i cant find any place else where i can express my feelings without being labelled as mad. Yeah.. i am an idiot who still cares what my family thinks of me.. this time the affliction of love is so severe that i get headache my body aches i cry for no reason.. i am singing and the song reminds me of him and i cry right-in middle of music class and i have to stifle my tears and act civilised.. how does this boy even do this.. this.. this.. Blue god. I have not met him i have not seen him yet he paralyses and plays with my senses like this !! Are you kidding me!!

I know you all r gonna call it hormones and ask me to get a full body check up like doctors do to meet their corporate targets..you are gonna ask me if i am having an early onset menopause or i am on my periods. No! Absolutely not!! You all have forgotten hormones is a symptom not a cause. I know whats happening in my mind and how that player boy continues to play his games without even being physically present. Back then i had people to speak to!!! There was this thing called Google plus I had a few other mad friends who understood my plight but now i lost touch with them and they have moved on. But i am back here coz now he is giving me a headache and i need to put my frustration out unfiltered!

Krishna what have you done to me!!! Really what have you done!! Why have you done this to me! Why had this obsession returned with twofold force! What am i supposed to do with this? Like stop playing these invisible games with me and at least show yourself to me! Nah! U don't want to do that. Always hiding. Hide and seek is your favourite game. You are the one who always hides and we are the ones who always seek. Thats why we are called seekers i guess. Except that this frustrating game never ends. Stop it Krishna! Just stop it. You have played enough! How far will you continue to do this? What do you think of me! How am i supposed to function in this world if you stall my senses like this!! Are you going to answer??? Or are you going to just continue your games!!! Why am i even asking when the answer is obvious!! Sigh!.. i am ruined…

Learn to draw Conch (Shanka) and Lotus Rangoli /Kolam/Muggulu (15-8)

Janmashtami at Home 2016

॥ जय श्री कृष्णा ॥ 

 When the time is 12:25am-Ashtami-Rohini nakshatra, this lil one is born!

To the one who is beyond worldly parameters of birth, we celebrate Janmashtami...strange are the ways of Krishna :)  

 

Lost in life..

Kanha this is too much.. after struggling continuously with depression for a past few months now I am trying to come out of it.. but I keep falling in and out of it. But I seriously… Just lost in life.. It seems vague and meaningless. And all these months I was feeling suicidal.. I am really surprised I am even alive right now and I did not kill myself.

Those suicidal thoughts were absolute hell. I was taken to a famous psychiatrist but all he did was write some tablets for depression and give and give me a lecture on how I was doing some things wrong and.. well I don’t even want to mention it here.. I was so so sad after hearing his words..i felt worthless.. my depression only intensified.. he did not even hear me speak.. I realized what a stupid world I am living in where people just jump into conclusions.. where u r not allowed to follow your heart instead conform to the norms of the society.. I cried badly after coming home.. I yelled and refused to take the tablets. I decided to fight it all alone..

The feelings of depression were debilitating.. I Just could not concentrate on any work.. even things I loved I did not love anymore..I just could not do anything.. And you Krishna. I started questioning your existence. N then these suicidal thoughts.. I remember how once those feelings almost overpowered me. I was all alone at home and I had this huge urge to end it all. I knew I had to speak to someone soon. I called one of my friends and she did not pick up. I called another and she was busy and she told me she would call later.. I called yet another and she said some words but it did not help coz she drifted from the topic to her life. I remember that dreadful feeling where this emotion had overpowered me.. it was like a demon who possessed me and was forcing me to take my own life. I yelled and started crying .. there was this little voice inside telling me I will never get Kanha if I Kill myself. As a last resort I put out a message in the social media that I am feeling suicidal and one kind soul sent me a video to watch after seeing which I felt better.

Back to present things have not changed .. only thing is the intensity of depression has decreased and I am able to function now and I keep falling in and out of depression mostly coz sometimes people speak some things. But Krishna I am lost in life. I don’t even know why I was sent here.. for what.. everything seems empty… I feel like an alien,, I feel like i dont fit into this world.. I dont belong here..I feel its all ..meaningless what not.. when will I realize the meaning Kanha.. when will I finally realize things… I am lost..Who am I..Why am I here..What should I do…I just don’t know…I don’t…And you have abandoned me…Krishna...

108 Names of Lord Krishna with Meaning

	NAME	MEANING
1.	Achala	Still Lord
2.	Achyuta	Infallible Lord
3.	Adbhutah	Wonderful God
4.	Adidev	The Lord Of The Lords
5.	Aditya	The Son Of Aditi
6.	Ajanma	One Who Is Unborn
7.	Ajaya	The Conqueror Of Life And Death
8.	Akshara	Indestructible Lord
9.	Amrut	One Who Is Sweet As Nectar
10.	Anaadih	One Who Is The First Cause
11.	Anandsagar	Compassionate Lord
12.	Ananta	The Endless Lord
13.	Anantajit	Ever Victorious Lord
14.	Anaya	One Who Has No Leader
16.	Aniruddha	One Who Cannot Be Obstructed
16.	Aparajeet	The Lord Who Cannot Be Defeated
17.	Avyukta	One Who Is As Clear As Crystal
18.	Balgopal	The Child Krishna, The All Attractive
19.	Bali	The Lord Of Strength
20.	Chaturbhuj	Four-Armed Lord
21.	Danavendra	Granter Of Boons
22.	Dayalu	Repositiory Of Compassion
23.	Dayanidhi	The Compassionate Lord
24.	Devadidev	The God Of The Gods
25.	Devakinandan	Son Of Mother Devaki
26.	Devesh	Lord Of The Lords
27.	Dharmadhyaksha	The Lord OF Dharma
28.	Dwarkapati	Lord Of Dwarka
29.	Gopal	One Who Plays With The Cowherds, The Gopas
30.	Gopalpriya	Lover Of Cowherds
31.	Govinda	One Who Pleases The Cows, The Land And The Entire Nature
32.	Gyaneshwar	The Lord Of Knowledge
33.	Hari	The Lord Of Nature
34.	Hiranyagarbha	The All Powerful Creator
35.	Hrishikesh	The Lord Of All Senses
36.	Jagadguru	Preceptor Of The Universe
37.	Jagadisha	Protector Of All
38.	Jagannath	Lord Of The Universe
39.	Janardhana	One Who Bestows Boons On One And All
40.	Jayantah	Conqueror Of All Enemies
41.	Jyotiraaditya	The Resplendence Of The Sun
42.	Kamalnath	The Lord Of Goddess Lakshmi
43.	Kamalnayan	The Lord With Lotus Shaped Eyes
44.	Kamsantak	Slayer Of Kamsa
45.	Kanjalochana	The Lotus-Eyed God
46	Keshava	One Who Has Long, Black Matted Locks
47.	Krishna	Dark-Complexioned Lord
48.	Lakshmikantam	The Lord Of Goddess Lakshmi
49.	Lokadhyaksha	Lord Of All The Three Lokas (Worlds)
50.	Madan	The Lord Of Love
51.	Madhava	Knowledge Filled God
52.	Madhusudan	Slayer Of Demon Madhu
53.	Mahendra	Lord Of Indra
54.	Manmohan	All Pleasing Lord
55.	Manohar	Beautiful Lord
56.	Mayur	The Lord Who Has A Peacock Feathered-Crest
57.	Mohan	All Attractive God
58.	Murali	The Flute Playing Lord
59.	Murlidhar	Murlidhar One Who Holds The Flute
60.	Murlimanohar	Murlimanohar The Flute Playing God
61.	Nandgopala	The Son Of Nand
62.	Narayana	The Refuge Of Everyone
63.	Niranjana	The Unblemished Lord
64.	Nirguna	Without Any Properties
65.	Padmahasta	One Who Has Hands Like Lotus
66.	Padmanabha	The Lord Who Has A Lotus Shaped Navel
67.	Parabrahmana	The Supreme Absolute Truth
68.	Paramatma	Lord Of All Beings
69.	Parampurush	Supreme Personality
70.	Parthasarthi	Charioteer Of Partha - Arjuna
71.	Prajapati	Lord Of All Creatures
72.	Punyah	Supremely Pure
73.	Purshottam	The Supreme Soul
74.	Ravilochana	One Who Eye Is The Sun
75.	Sahasraakash	Thousand-Eyed Lord
76.	Sahasrajit	One Who Vanquishes Thousands
77.	Sahasrapaat	Thousand-Footed Lord
78.	Sakshi	All Witnessing Lord
79.	Sanatana	The Eternal Lord
80.	Sarvajana	Omniscient Lord
81.	Sarvapalaka	Protector Of All
82.	Sarveshwar	Lord Of All Gods
83.	Satyavachana	One Who Speaks Only The Truth
84.	Satyavrata	The Truth Dedicated Lord
85.	Shantah	Peaceful Lord
86.	Shreshta	The Most Glorious Lord
87.	Shrikanta	Beautiful Lord
88.	Shyam	Dark-Complexioned Lord
89.	Shyamsundara	Lord Of The Beautiful Evenings
90.	Sudarshana	Handsome Lord
91.	Sumedha	Intelligent Lord
92.	Suresham	Lord Of All Demi-Gods
93.	Swargapati	Lord Of Heavens
94.	Trivikrama	Conqueror Of All The Three Worlds Upendra
95.	Upendra	Brother Of Indra
96.	Vaikunthanatha	Lord Of Vaikuntha, The Heavenly Abode
97.	Vardhamaanah	The Formless Lord
98.	Vasudev	All Prevailing Lord
99.	Vishnu	All Prevailing Lord
100.	Vishwadakshinah	Skilfull And Efficient Lord
101.	Vishwakarma	Creator Of The Universe
102.	Vishwamurti	The Form Of The Entire Universe
103.	Vishwarupa	One Who Displays The Universal Form
104.	Vishwatma	Soul Of The Universe
105.	Vrishaparvaa	Lord Of Dharma
106.	Yadavendra	King Of The Yadav Clan
107.	Yogi	The Supreme Master
108.	Yoginampati	Lord Of The Yogis