Lost in life..

Kanha this is too much.. after struggling continuously with depression for a past few months now I am trying to come out of it.. but I keep falling in and out of it. But I seriously… Just lost in life.. It seems vague and meaningless. And all these months I was feeling suicidal.. I am really surprised I am even alive right now and I did not kill myself.

Those suicidal thoughts were absolute hell. I was taken to a famous psychiatrist but all he did was write some tablets for depression and give and give me a lecture on how I was doing some things wrong and.. well I don’t even want to mention it here.. I was so so sad after hearing his words..i felt worthless.. my depression only intensified.. he did not even hear me speak.. I realized what a stupid world I am living in where people just jump into conclusions.. where u r not allowed to follow your heart instead conform to the norms of the society.. I cried badly after coming home.. I yelled and refused to take the tablets. I decided to fight it all alone..

The feelings of depression were debilitating.. I Just could not concentrate on any work.. even things I loved I did not love anymore..I just could not do anything.. And you Krishna. I started questioning your existence. N then these suicidal thoughts.. I remember how once those feelings almost overpowered me. I was all alone at home and I had this huge urge to end it all. I knew I had to speak to someone soon. I called one of my friends and she did not pick up. I called another and she was busy and she told me she would call later.. I called yet another and she said some words but it did not help coz she drifted from the topic to her life. I remember that dreadful feeling where this emotion had overpowered me.. it was like a demon who possessed me and was forcing me to take my own life. I yelled and started crying .. there was this little voice inside telling me I will never get Kanha if I Kill myself. As a last resort I put out a message in the social media that I am feeling suicidal and one kind soul sent me a video to watch after seeing which I felt better.

Back to present things have not changed .. only thing is the intensity of depression has decreased and I am able to function now and I keep falling in and out of depression mostly coz sometimes people speak some things. But Krishna I am lost in life. I don’t even know why I was sent here.. for what.. everything seems empty… I feel like an alien,, I feel like i dont fit into this world.. I dont belong here..I feel its all ..meaningless what not.. when will I realize the meaning Kanha.. when will I finally realize things… I am lost..Who am I..Why am I here..What should I do…I just don’t know…I don’t…And you have abandoned me…Krishna...